Bittersweet.

I recommend listening to "Last Night" by Motion City Soundtrack while reading this entry. It may be a break-up song, but some of the lyrics do relate, plus to me it really is a beautiful song.

I'm not sure how I feel about leaving. In some ways Bryn Mawr College became my home. Nothing will replace the home where I grew up, but I really do believe that Bryn Mawr has become a second home to me. I know I've made friendships that I hope will last lifetimes, and then there are others that I feel like...well, not so much. There have been the ups and the downs that really do come with every aspect of life. I don't feel like I can judge though if I have changed this past year. If anything I would love to be able to step back and watch myself throughout the year: have I matured? Have I even changed at all? I still don't feel sure of where I should fit into the whole Bryn Mawr scene. I don't feel as if I'm unique enough, I feel like just another girl in the crowd. I'm not the smartest, I'm not the prettiest, so who am I? 

Anyway, this entry is supposed to be about leaving. It was so sad sending everything home the past two weeks or so. My room just felt so empty and lonely. It was lonely anyway considering I was the only person really living there...but that's another story that really doesn't need to be told. It's over finally, and I'll never have to deal with it, him, or her again. The frustration remains of the unsaid apologies, but I guess I can live with that. I just need to put it past me so it can just be over and end. I am going to miss Bryn Mawr this summer though. Though, maybe I'll just miss it because of the people I grew to love so much. I really don't know what I would have done without the wonderful girls I met, grew to know and love, and finally became my family. It really makes me happy that I was able to make such wonderful friendships. 

Mmph, yeah I've kind of hit a wall in what I was trying to say. Basically, I'm really glad I came to Bryn Mawr. Through the traditions and everything else wonderful that happened to me during the year, there is no doubt that it was the place where I was meant to go. I love you Bryn Mawr College. Keep being the place I want to return to.

ciao.

I'm still frustrated from last night

Things happened in half-time, I'm sick of the bends.

My panic research was no help

I sink into myself

Afraid of the fall that never ends.

I wait, but I'm too tired to play pretend.

I'll suffocate until the end.

No time for halfhearted goodbyes,

I turn on the spotlight and flee from the scene.

Cheap flights from Paris to Bangkok, I thought it was nonstop

Can't sleep on the KLM again.

I haunt the halls of medicine at night

Choking back the urge to fight.

Her cat was clawing the floorboards just outside of our door,

The panic begins.

I searched the whole damn apartment from ceiling to carpet

No sign of the things she used to own.

As autumn turns its back on me again,

I climb the walls for oxygen.

My body aches, it heaves, it shakes

All somersaults through so-called art

And I still don't know exactly who I am.

I never will, amen.

She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear

She motions outside.

I trail her closely from behind

She tries hard not to cry

She shakes underneath the pouring rain.

"I can't compete with all your damn ideas.

This isn't working out for you or me.

The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend.

This is goodbye, this is the end."